Monday, February 20, 2006

well, i am getting to the end of my rope

i am trying to be as good a sport about this as possible.... but i must admit, i am starting to get weary. today is monday the 20th of February and our little one (who is probably fairly huge by now) has still not joined us here on the other side. perhaps the fault is mine... i have just made it too comforable in there... she just wants to stay put... but i am running out of womb! i never could have imagined how uncomfortable it would be to be so large... so unwieldy; getting up off the couch is like an olympic event these days (and believe me, i am not scoring any medals for the team). I try to continue to be positive and remind myself that everything is happening for a reason and that she WILL eventually come. i have a prenatal with my midwives today, and i know that, as usual, they will set my mind and heart at ease and i will leave feeling better than when i went in and more positive about the remaining time that i have being pregnant... especially when they listen to the babe and she sounds good, and my blood pressure is good, and there is still no protein in my urine....It will be another story when i go to the doctor's tomorrow and they want to strip my membranes, and i tell them no, they cannot... and they look at me like i am from neptune.... or worse, they want me to check in to the hospital right away so that they can just go ahead and induce--- and will want me to have pitocin like i did with Ben... no thank you! that is not the route i am interested in travelling this time. I will be eager to hear what Claudia (my midwife) will have to say about what i can go in armed with tomorrow- in terms of responses to what the doctors in my OBGYN practice are going to probably say and want to do. if i turn myself over to them, the dreams of trying this at home will slip away again. Barring any difficulties, i will stick to my guns and tell them, no, i am not checking in.... give me another week and we'll talk then. They think i am such a nut. "why is she doing this to herself?"
Blah blah blah you say. i am sick of hearing this lady rant about being pregnant. well, to that i say, "find another blog to read". ;o) because chances are good that until this baby decides to join the world of the living on THIS side of my skin, i am going to have more to say about this. thank you for bearing with me... and please, if you are a spiritual person (and even if you are not) if you could whisper a little prayer for me because i am, truly, getting to the end of my rope.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

el dia del amor

Happy Valentines Day. Another good day to have a baby... especially when your baby was "due" yesterday..... "due" is sort of a cruel word to use to describe the situation though; i mean, it carries with it a very negative connotation i think. the opposite of "due" being "overdue"... as if you are now toting around some overdue library book and accruing dreadful fines with the passing of each day.... made all the more awful when nearly everyone who sees you says, "are you STILL pregnant?!?!". my new answer will be "no. i had the baby days ago. i left her at home and am just out getting some air. oh, i still look 11 months pregnant? it's just the pants...."
i'm just kidding... though it is easy to slip into a sarcastic and somewhat obnoxious response mode when nobody seems to be able to think about anything else other than my enormous belly and the Shrek feet that i have taken to walking around on. It will be a relief when the baby gets here-- that everyone can just look at her and stop looking at me.... patting me sympathetically and groaning about my being pregnant "poor sweetie". i've had it with that!!!!
i am actually doing great to be honest. Happier and more energetic and positive than i felt last week. i was actually ten days "overdue" myself by the time i was born, and my brother was two weeks late (bless my mother's heart- he was a big moose of a baby too).... so part of me is just very resigned to the possibility of waiting a little longer for this little one to arrive. in the meantime i am crossing all sorts of things of my to do lists and being very nesty-- which is right up my alley anyway..... one thing that is a little hard is knowing that Dan's folks will only be here for a few more days... and they would obviously like to meet their new granddaughter before they leave the continent.... i can certainly appreciate their excitement, but i also can't completely ignore the feeling that someone is waiting on me and that i just can't perform under these conditions!! My midwife is leary of giving any predictions as to when the baby will arrive-- obviously there is really no way to know.... but she said that if she had to guess, she would say that the baby will come right after they leave. in some part of my heart, i think she may be right. we had talked about changing their tickets so that they could stay for longer to increase the chances that they may be able to see her.... but now i am not so thrilled with that idea if in some part of my pregnant brain i am feeling performance anxiety and will not go into labor until we are alone again!! i am detached as i can be - i think--- but don't get me wrong--- I WANT TO HAVE THIS BABY SOONER THAN LATER!! :o)
whatever will be will be.
so... other than that... what is the other news on the hofert homefront? my little sonshine has quieted down in the other room. he didn't seem too interested in snuggling in the rocking chair for very long before his nap today-- which is unusual because he is such a snuggle bug lately.... but rather wanted to get right into his bed and snuggle with his "Peaches kitty" (named after our neighbor's cat- with whom he is completely enthralled) and under his cozy blanket "that aunt Weswie give to me". anyway, he stirred for awhile and i thought this might one of those days when he just skips right over the nap entirely, but now he is quiet again. Speaking of kitties and of my sweet little son... the other night when Dan was putting ben to bed, ben said to his daddy "I wike kitties. i wike kitties all day long". that means he RREEEAAAALLLYYY likes them. o)
Well, it is a beautiful day here in Atlanta, Georgia... and sinse i have someone to stay here with the sleeping boy i should hop up (yeah- hop up-- RIIIIGGHT) - rather, i should heave myself out of this chair, get dressed in some walking clothes and get myself out of this house for a walk around the neighborhood.... walk this baby down.... and get some fresh air.

Friday, February 10, 2006

another day closer

so every day lately i think to myself.... "this would be a good day to have a baby". today i think it especially true. I had a good night sleep last night.... Benjamin is feeling much better today after beginning a course of antibiotics (i tried to hold off as long as i could) for what is, apparently, an ear infection..... The weather is nice; i am feeling happy and strong... Dan and i have had some nice/ meaningful conversations lately that leave me feeling more connected with him than ever..... I have been taking long walks..... The room downstairs is all set up; the birth pool is inflated, i have the birth kit all organized and ready... candles to light if i feel inclined....beautiful birth art/ focal/ point banners hung on the wall... a new video in the video camera and fresh batteries in the digital camera... we have snacks and electrolyte drinks in the fridge downstairs... the laundrey is folded.... it's friday---- what else? well, i guess those reasons are as good as any.
Then i ask myself, am i really ready to have a newborn again? in all honesty, the answer is a hesitant, "i think so" (but i'm really thinking, "no, not so much")--- but, let's be honest, will i ever really be ready for the baby to come? not really. when it comes down to it, i think you just have to pull yourself together and dive in shouting a prayer and crossing your fingers. This has been my experience with motherhood so far. Even at the times when it feels like we have it together, there is always a feeling that we are really just flying by the seat of our pants. Whatever "success" we experience is largely attributable to the grace of God... and other than that, we sort of make it up as we go along. What works one week changes somewhere along the way and we find ourselves in a constant state of reflection and flexibiltity. It's hard, but it's so so good. And so now we are just getting ready to throw another amazing soul into the mix. Maybe she will be easy going, maybe a little more high maintenance than her brother...who knows what her personality will be like, or what will be her likes and dislikes, patterns and peculiarities... we will have to develop new tactics and maneuvers.... but we'll figure it out together, as we have done so far.... and maybe we will even sleep through the night again one day. ah, how sweet to think. :o)
So anyway, i think today is a good day to have a baby..... but tomorrow would be too.... and she will come when she will come (she'll definitely come one way or another, so i guess there'e some comfort in that!). Off now to drink some dandelion leaf tea (a natural dieuretic to help me not be so puffy!) and putter in the studio. Benjamin is down for a rest and the time passes so quickly-- i need to seize the moment!! Although John and Priscilla are here right now and very helpful when it comes to providing some extra care for Ben, so i really can get out and do some things on my own, or retreat downstairs when i feel the need, so that is a treat.
but, that's all for now...

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

this is a picture of the three happy hoferts at the cheesecake factory a couple of months ago... Posted by Picasa

Ben and Daddy at Ben's 2nd birthday party Posted by Picasa

this is a picture of ben taken last spring... but it is just so sweet... i had to post it here Posted by Picasa
 Posted by Picasa

well, here we go

well.... in the last months i have been hopping around on the internet peeking into the thoughts of people i know... reading some posts of people that i don't .... and having been thoroughly sucked into this strange new(ish) mode of communicating, i too have now succumbed to the irresistable pull of the BLOG. so, here i am, typing my first entry.... wondering if i will ever have anything clever or interesting to say , or whether i will just carry on about what my son had for lunch, or what the funniest/ cutest thing is that he has said lately.... or how i am so-and-so many days away from the due date of our baby daughter..... (by the way, i am now 4 days away from the projected "due" date of our baby daughter :o) In any case, i am sure if nothing else, that it will be nice for our parents and a sprinkling of close friends who care, to be able to go somewhere online where they can hear something of our comings and goings and see pictures of our kids. so, hello all. glad to be here.