Friday, February 10, 2006

another day closer

so every day lately i think to myself.... "this would be a good day to have a baby". today i think it especially true. I had a good night sleep last night.... Benjamin is feeling much better today after beginning a course of antibiotics (i tried to hold off as long as i could) for what is, apparently, an ear infection..... The weather is nice; i am feeling happy and strong... Dan and i have had some nice/ meaningful conversations lately that leave me feeling more connected with him than ever..... I have been taking long walks..... The room downstairs is all set up; the birth pool is inflated, i have the birth kit all organized and ready... candles to light if i feel inclined....beautiful birth art/ focal/ point banners hung on the wall... a new video in the video camera and fresh batteries in the digital camera... we have snacks and electrolyte drinks in the fridge downstairs... the laundrey is folded.... it's friday---- what else? well, i guess those reasons are as good as any.
Then i ask myself, am i really ready to have a newborn again? in all honesty, the answer is a hesitant, "i think so" (but i'm really thinking, "no, not so much")--- but, let's be honest, will i ever really be ready for the baby to come? not really. when it comes down to it, i think you just have to pull yourself together and dive in shouting a prayer and crossing your fingers. This has been my experience with motherhood so far. Even at the times when it feels like we have it together, there is always a feeling that we are really just flying by the seat of our pants. Whatever "success" we experience is largely attributable to the grace of God... and other than that, we sort of make it up as we go along. What works one week changes somewhere along the way and we find ourselves in a constant state of reflection and flexibiltity. It's hard, but it's so so good. And so now we are just getting ready to throw another amazing soul into the mix. Maybe she will be easy going, maybe a little more high maintenance than her brother...who knows what her personality will be like, or what will be her likes and dislikes, patterns and peculiarities... we will have to develop new tactics and maneuvers.... but we'll figure it out together, as we have done so far.... and maybe we will even sleep through the night again one day. ah, how sweet to think. :o)
So anyway, i think today is a good day to have a baby..... but tomorrow would be too.... and she will come when she will come (she'll definitely come one way or another, so i guess there'e some comfort in that!). Off now to drink some dandelion leaf tea (a natural dieuretic to help me not be so puffy!) and putter in the studio. Benjamin is down for a rest and the time passes so quickly-- i need to seize the moment!! Although John and Priscilla are here right now and very helpful when it comes to providing some extra care for Ben, so i really can get out and do some things on my own, or retreat downstairs when i feel the need, so that is a treat.
but, that's all for now...

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